


Suffocation

by gothicghost



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Because I can't write happy stories, Despair, F/M, Highschool AU, Lonely Merlin, One-Sided Attraction, Other, Self-Harm, eating problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 15:05:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10901829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothicghost/pseuds/gothicghost
Summary: "Losing a best friend is like losing air. It's painful and slow and there's nothing you can do about it. You just watch the world disappear."Not sure who wrote this quote, but all credit goes to them.





	Suffocation

**Author's Note:**

> Also, this isn't supposed to be stereotyping or disrespecting mental illnesses or anything. I'm not aiming for accuracy. I'm not aiming to hurt anyone. Just aiming for fun. Please understand this. 
> 
> And if you are hurting, find someone who you're certain you can trust (mom, brother, doctor, friend, etc). Get help. You deserve it. I promise.

Growing up, Arthur and Merlin did everything together. When they were young, they were on the same football team. They watched the same movies, had the same obsessions. They ate together and played together. They had more inside jokes than there were stars, it seemed. They'd get into the same trouble because they were doing something against the rules together. In private, they cried on eachother over some sorrow or another and comforted eachother. They would sometimes share a bed at sleepovers because neither of them wanted to get up and go lay on the sofa. They insulted eachother like there was no tomorrow every single day. When they got into any kind of arguement, they would quickly make up, neither of them wanting to end their friendship over something as stupid as whose turn it was to pick the game they would play on the Xbox. They could order eachother's food, knowing what they liked and their movements and voices were almost sychronized. Uther and Hunith, being good friends as well, often joked with eachother about how they sometimes thought that they'd adopted a second son without their knowledge. Everyone admired their relationship. Things changed, however, in highschool when they started having different interests. 

Arthur chose to play football all throughout the rest of his school career, whereas Merlin decided his place was in the library, studying maybe too hard. Arthur preferred gym over Merlin's choice in taking art. Arthur took Spanish while Merlin learnt French. Arthur took to getting into relationships with girls, while Merlin decided that his time was not worth being spent on people he would likely never marry due to countless break-ups over doing something as small as posting a picture on Instagram. Arthur got more involved with subjects that required a lot of socializing, so he ended up making many friends. He hung out with louder, sloppier blokes like Gwaine, Elyan, Percival, and Leon. Merlin, instead, took courses that mostly had quiet time, like photography, and made friends with gentler, more understanding people like Freya and Lancelot. Arthur and Merlin were still close and still hung out quite a lot, but their "alone time" became scarce as they associated themselves with more people. Merlin would sometimes think about his past with Arthur and curse the world for making other people exist. Not that he didn't love his friends, though. He was glad they were there.  But then, she showed up. 

Mithian, with her dark locks and perfect form. Arthur, being the charmer he was, had immediately taken her up as his girlfriend. At first, everything was going smoothly. Mithian was just another girlfriend of Arthur's. Chances were that they would break it off shortly and Mithian would leave their lives for good, and Merlin would be able to lighten Arthur's mood afterwards. This, however, was not the case. Mithian was the first persistent girl Arthur had captured. Merlin smiled and joked with their group of friends and tried to ignore the fact that Arthur gave Mithian his full atention. While he was over here exchanging stories with Gwaine and the whole lot of them, Arthur was in the corner with his arms wrapped around his girl, laughing at some pictures and kissing until they were out of breath. Okay, no big deal. This was normal. But months passed, and not once did Arthur and Mithian have an arguement. Not once did either of them cheat on the other. They didn't pull apart for long. At lunch Merlin watched as Arthur went to sit by Mithian instead of Merlin and their group. Arthur ceased to randomly drop by at Merlin's place for a quick chat and hardly even acknowledged Merlin's existance. And so the inseparable fools grew apart over time. Merlin began to feel crushed by Arthur's absence.

He wore a smile through the day and fell in tears at the moon's highest point. He knew he should be happy for Arthur. This was his friend's first consistant affair, after all. But all he could feel was the need for Arthur to envelope him in his strong arms like he did a long time ago when Merlin's drunken father decided to show up. When his father was drunk, he was abusive, which is why he and Hunith divorced in the first place. Balinor had returned and was much rougher than before. Arthur and his father understood and had them reside at their place for the time's being, until the police could take Balinor away. That night, Merlin, scared as he was, snuggled against Arthur and wept while his friend held him tight and protective. Where was Arthur now? Holding Mithian, most likely. Merlin brought his knees to his chest and held his stomach as if it would fly away. Every day, Merlin asked Arthur to come over and play a game of 'Call of Duty' or watch a movie or something, anything at all that they used to do. Arthur denied the request and said that Mithian had something to show him or Mithian needed help with homework and, "Sorry, Merlin."  _Sorry, Merlin._

Merlin's days were agonizing, now. His soul was being sucked away, it seemed. He didn't have much of an appetite for the things he usually enjoyed eating. Probably because he could remember eating these exact things with Arthur. Arthur. Why couldn't he just let go of Arthur? The man obviously didn't care about him, so why should he care? Even though Summer was approaching and the weather was getting warmer, Merlin wore hoodies and long sleeves, saying that he was cold. Quite honestly, too, though part of it was because he was smaller than he should be and that his arms were all sorts of scratched up. People couldn't know this though. He supposed that that's what happens when you lose your friend. You become cold and sad and twisted so much that you would hurt and starve yourself to make things feel better. Merlin laughed to himself a very dry laugh at the irony. By now, Merlin had lost all hope in Arthur coming over for a few minutes and gave up on Mithian breaking it off with Arthur or vise versa. He guessed that he wouldn't talk to Arthur or even see him this Summer. At least he didn't have to worry about faking smiles and people trying to get him to eat even though he "wasn't hungry" or that he "needed to study for the upcoming exams." 

And so Summer dragged on. Merlin's chest grew heavier and his cuts grew deeper and his rib cage jutted outwards. A snake coiled around him and squeezed his chest tightly. He slept more because he yearned for numbness more so than because he was tired. He thought about what Arthur could be doing now and hated himself. At what point did he become this obsessive? Why can't he stop?  _Why can't he just stop breathing?_ And that's when he heard the door open. Seeing the time, he knew that it wasn't his mother that entered the house. It was too early, so she wouldn't be off work. He worked on slipping a shirt over his head when he heard the last voice he expected. 

"Merlin," gasped Arthur, who was astonished by the sight before him. Merlin with his arms stretched above his head as he was halfway through putting his shirt on over a too skinny figure. The man he thought he knew froze at the sound of his voice. Arthur's eyes glittered with heartbreak. So Gwaine was right. Gwaine and the rest of them. Merlin was broken. He had broken him. "Merlin," he said again, completely dumbfounded and at a loss for words. He clasped a hand over his mouth as he let his eyes glaze over Merlin's body, seeing that he had several red gashes running across his arms and legs. His gaze landed Merlin's sunken face. It was almost smiling. 

"Arthur," whispered Merlin. His voice was both happy and desperate. "Say something?" Merlin stood and tried to take a step in Arthur's direction, but his toothpick legs gave out under his weight, which wasn't much, Arthur realized when he caught Merlin's passed out body. That's when he grew out of his shock and began to panic. He held Merlin close and screamed for help again and again until someone outside had heard, his own body frozen in the nightmare he was living. Merlin's neighbour Gaius, who had been walking home from the market, joined them in Merlin's room. 

"I'll call an ambulance," he said, rushing to grab his mobile. He explained to the people on the other end the situation and Arthur sobbed, clinging to his friend's almost lifeless form. He had to pretty much be pried off of the skeletonbecause he was afraid that if he let go, he would never be near Merlin again. Gaius was kind enough to call Hunith as well. Arthur knew he wouldn't be able to break the news. He didn't have a right to, either, seeing as this was _all his fault._  

He didn't remember being driven to the hospital by Hunith, or even sitting in the waiting room. He was only vaguely aware of being guided to Merlin's temporary room. His friend was laying in a coma, the doctor had said. The doctor had also said that his heartbeat was irregular, that his blood sugar was far too low, and that they may not be able to redeem him. 

"No, you've got to," said Arthur, his voice barely audible. "You've got to save him..." The doctor only shook her head. Arthur took Merlin's hand and traced his fingers over his palm in the way that Merlin liked it. "I'm sorry, Merlin," he whispered in his ears. "I should've.. I should've.. Please come through?" Hunith sat beside her son and stroked his brow. She still hasn't said a word. Arthur felt like his whole world was collapsing. 

A week had passed and visitors came and went. Gwaine pulled Arthur out of the room on Wednesday when he was here. A painful rage was evident in his eyes and Arthur didn't bother to prepare himself for what was sure to come. He just stared down at his feet. Gwaine pulled him into a hug. A true hug. Not like the ones Mithian gave. One that felt like a Merlin hug, which was something he's been deprived of for about a year and a half. And then Arthur just let it all out. He cried and rambled and sputtered into Gwaine. Maybe it wasn't rage he saw, but sympathy? 

It was the following Friday when the heart moniter went blank. Merlin was gone for good. 

And so was Arthur. 

 

 


End file.
